To Sue or Not to Sue?
by Artemis Moonsong
Summary: It's another one of these stories. With a lemon twist! Slight Spoilers.
1. To Sue or Not To Sue?

**Author's Notes:** So this story was inspired by Pirate Monkey's Mary Sue Comic. If any of you have read it, you know what I'm talking about, and if you haven't heard of it,google it, man. Anyway, this story's kinda short, but I tohught it was kinda funny.

**Disclaimer**: Harry Potter Universe belongs to the great JKRowling. I don't think Fudgie-Num-Nums are a real snack food, but just incase, I don't own them either. All I own is this bottle of flavored water that had unlimited access to my mouth. Jealous? I thought so.

**To Sue or Not To Sue?**

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl names Ember Maiden. She had black eyes and blonde hair with red streaks, so that it looked as if her head were actually on fire. She had lovely teeth and a small nose and small hands and a body that, despite not working out or never eating anything but Fudgie-Num-Nums was absolutely perfect.

Ember Maiden (**suspenseful pause)** was coming to Hogwarts.

At her Sorting Ceremony, (which really was _hers_ because she was a new student but going to be a seventh year and even though this had never been heard of in the history of Hogwarts it was sure as hell happening now!) she got into Gryffindor before Professor McGonagall even got the Hat near her. She walked perfectly over and sat in the only available seat, next to a boy who quietly introduced himself as Neville Longbottom. She thought he was adorable and sweet.

She held his hand and fed him mashed taters when the feast began. She conjured up food the other people didn't get from the kitchens, food from other countries.

Speaking of other countries, I forgot to mention, Ember was from America. She was from Alaska as a matter of fact.

Anyways, Neville finally found his courage, which was installed in his mother's bubblegum wrappers and aided by Mary Su- I mean, Ember Maiden's kindness.

He went out and caught up to Harry Potter and Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, who were out having spectacular adventures, put them all somewhere safe and thwarted Lord Voldemort himself.

He came back to the feast a little out of breath, but all in all not worse for wear.

"Oh, Neville!" cried Ember throatily. "Neville, I knew you could do it!"

"Aw, you're just saying that," muttered Neville, diverting his eyes and scuffing the floor with his shoe in a thoroughly "Aw, shucks, ma'am" manner.

"No," she purred, cuddling up against his shoulder, "I'm psychic seven different ways. I knew you could do it."

Harry Potter and his friends who don't seem to need an introduction…ever…came back to school looking rather confused. All those angsty teenage conversations with their consciences seemed silly now..

Ember dropped Neville like a dead rat on fire and flew to Harry's side.

Ron jumped out of surprise. Hermione said, "Not another one…" and walked away thoroughly clutching Ron's hand to show that _he_ was _hers_.

"Psst!" she said to Ginny while sitting down at their usual places. "New girl's got her hands on Harry." Ginny's looked very angry.

"Where?" said a deep demonic voice from the Ginny/Harry shippers. Ginny coughed. "I mean, where?" she said in her normal voice.

Ron looked at the camera meaningfully and thought, "Women."

Hermione pointed at Ember and Harry and Ginny sat back down. "Oh it's one of _those_. He can handle that himself," she said, and returned to her pie.

Over there, Harry tried to catch Ginny's eyes, to ask for a little help, but Ginny was laughing into her pies.

Harry put his hands on the girl's shoulders, meaning to tell her off, but a strange feeling came over him and he kissed her. Right then and there. No fireworks went off like when he'd kissed Ginny, so he wiped his mouth and walked back to his table.

Ember melted.

The End……or is it? Ooh, uncertainty…

A/N: And whatever you do, DON'T REVIEW! (I didn't mean it darlings! REVIEWing is now a healthy source of calcium!)


	2. Icky Gooey Puddle of Lurrrve

**Author's Notes**: Whee! I didn't expect for anyone to want another chapter, so w00t to me! Thanks to the three people I let review before writing this. I'm on FIYAR!1!11 Thanks to everyone who reviewed afterwards as well!

**Icky-Gooey Puddle of Lurrrve**

The reason Ember melted was that she was a liquipath. She could control the liquid in her body and all around her.

In other words, she did it on purpose.

She flowed over to the Golden Trio plus Ginny and Luna, who was still in Ravenclaw but sat at the Gryffindor table anyway because she's just that insane. In a good way. Ember flowed over there, like I said before.

Luna stared at Ron, while Ember flowed around Harry's feet, making an icky-gooey puddle of lurrrve all over his new trainers. He felt something strange round his ankle area and looked down.

"Eew, gross!" he cried, lifting his feet off the floor. "What is it, Hermione?"

"How should I know?" said Hermione for once.

Ron looked up, once more surprised and bewildered. Hermione thought, "Is he ever _not_ surprised and bewildered

"You should know because you're Hermione," he said matter-of-factly. "Duh."

Hermione rolled her eyes and JKR dropped another hint that they're _so_ for each other.

"I looks like an icky-gooey puddle of love," she stated. She'd read about these of course.

The icky-gooey puddle of lurrrve gooied away from Harry to the lane between the Gryffindor and the Ravenclaw table, because they're always moving and yesterday it was Hufflepuff.

"It's _lurrrve_, Hemorrhoid," said Ember, solidifying and throwing her arms around Harry's startled neck.

"It's _Hermione_," growled Hermione. "And _lurrrve," _she said mockingly, "is not a word."

"Your mom isn't a word, Hemorrhage," said Ember scathingly. A knife materialized out of thin tea and stabbed Hermione in the heart repeatedly, twisting and boogying around, making a big mess with Hermione's blood and guts and whatnot.

Snape somehow popped out of thin air, even though he was on the run from everybody and healed her for no good reason. All the delusional Snape/Hermione shippers cheered and wrote smutty fanfictions resulting from the fact that Snape was in a three mile radius from Hermione and this obviously showed he was a vampire _and_ in complete and total true love with her.

Hermione removed her face from the table where she had fallen right before she almost died. She blinked and Ron's ears turned red. Hermione was now an accomplished Legilimens and loked at Ron, her eyes wide, looking angry. "Ron, stop thinking that!"

Ron looked sorry and mumbled, "Sorry."

Ember still had Harry in a stranglehold-of-lurrrve. Ginny was sharpening her teeth and nails. She finished that and jumped on Ember, who was confused, because Ginny was supposed to have died tragically leaving way for a depressed Harry to find comfort in Ember's shoulder.

Anyway, the jumping. Ember was also the chick from X-Men II with the adamantium fingernails. Yeah. She had been reincarnated in Egypt and she was here now. She grew out her fingers and attempted to kill Ginny.

Harry finally did something. He stood up and picked up a pie, throwing it into Ember's beautiful face.

The pie turned out to be water and she melted again, this time on accident, because not only was she the mutant assistant broad's reincarnation, but she was also the Wicked Witch of the West's great-niece.

"I will get my-" burble gurgle "-revenge someday-" glub glub melt "-Harry Potter!" With lots of special effects and some fairies, she poofed out.

Hermione shook her head. "DOES ANYONE READ HOGWARTS: A HISTORY? ANYONE!"

Ember's mouth poofed back and said, "I wrote it, Hemoglobin!"

Hermione was foiled. "Dammit," she said.

****

**A/N**: Hemoglobin _is_ a real word. It has something to do with "life's blood" according to my thesaurus.

My brother is being a stooge and won't beta for me.

Anyway. How did you like it? I felt kinda like I was trying to hard, but it just kinda wrote itself. You know, these stories making fun of stories that happen all the time are happening all the time and soon there will be stories about the stories about the stories that have Mary-Sue's in them…

**Extra Disclaimer:** I don't own X-Men or the characters, nor do I own Wizard of Oz or Harry Potter, just for a last note.


End file.
